


My Shot

by companionsthroughlife (maggie_1277)



Series: musical-based phan [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (softly breakdances) i hurt phil pretty bad, Anxiety, I swear i love phil but this is pretty sad, Insecure Phil, Insecurity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Self-Worth Issues, im so sorry phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:02:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24168535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maggie_1277/pseuds/companionsthroughlife
Summary: He finally looked at his phone and saw it was only 6 am. He couldn't go back to bed now that he had left the room, he went to his desk.He knew he wasn't young anymore, and that he shouldn't be working this hard but he felt like nothing he was writing was good. He wasn't good enough, he felt like he was throwing away his shot of fame and youtube. He was working harder than he had in the past because of this.He just sat and worked for hours, never looking away from his screen. He needed to finish this thing and then maybe it would be good enough. He didn't think that it would be even after writing and rewriting for days.or a look into Phil's mind.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: musical-based phan [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1744288
Comments: 1
Kudos: 24





	My Shot

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based very loosely off of "My Shot" from Hamilton. This is a look into the mind of someone who is hurting but doesn't want people to know this.

Phil woke up with a shock, he felt like he was shot awake. He felt the anxiety creeping into his system. He didn't think today was going to be a good day. He grabbed his glasses to hopefully make himself feel better, but it did not help.

He looked around and saw Dan sleeping in bed, so he got up to begin to plan out the work he needed to do that day.

He finally looked at his phone and saw it was only 6 am. He couldn't go back to bed now that he had left the room, he went to his desk.

He knew he wasn't young anymore, and that he shouldn't be working this hard but he felt like nothing he was writing was good. He wasn't good enough, he felt like he was throwing away his shot of fame and youtube. He was working harder than he had in the past because of this.

He just sat and worked for hours, never looking away from his screen. He needed to finish this thing and then maybe it would be good enough. He didn't think that it would be even after writing and rewriting for days. 

He could hear Dan starting to shift around the house. He could hear the shower running and Dan walking around their room. He thought about Dan and his projects that got rejected and postponed and everything that got fucked for him, but Phil's sitting here worried about his work not being good enough.

He thought about how Dan's entire life for the past 5 months is up in the air and he's just anxious about his work. What the fuck was wrong with him?

He wasn't helping his boyfriend, he probably was just hurting him and making him feel worse for the way he was feeling. Dan had his reasons, Phil not so much.

Phil had been stuck in his own head, writing and feeling not worth this, he didn't even see Dan drop off some coffee and food for him. He's such a shit boyfriend.

He was ignoring his boyfriend for no reason besides his brain. Fuck, he wasn't even worth the coffee he brought him.

He wasn't worth the work Dan was doing. Dan had been making food for him when he had been locked in his office working, he was feeding Norman when Phil was filming, he was doing everything for Phil while also going through a lot. And what did Phil have to show for the work Dan was doing?

Nothing.

Nothing but a few scrapped scripts that didn't come out properly, videos that he hated, tweets that are just sitting in his drafts but nothing good. It wasn’t good, it was never gonna be good enough.

He wasn’t good enough.

He kept repeating that over and over. It was true and he was finally listening to the voice in his head. He wasn't good enough and he never, ever, would be. 

He didn’t really realize he was starting to breath heavily and start to panic. He was so trapped in self loathing he didn’t even realize what was happening. It hit him all at once.

His heart started pounding and he started to freak out about that and begin to start to panic even more. His breath was getting harder and he could only hear his heartbeat in his ears, he slid down onto the floor and just sat there. He was trying his hardest to ground himself. It wasn’t working.

He was thinking rationally anymore, if he was he would have called Dan to help him and make him not focus on the panic that is flowing through him. Dan would be grounding him.

He couldn’t call Da, Dan had himself to worry about not Phil and his problems that didn't actually matter anymore. Phil’s problems are microscopic compared to what Dan has gone through and is still going through. He was an asshole for even thinking he could call out to Dan right now for a meaningless little bout of anxiety. He is going to get through this. He was going to be enough.

He got himself off the floor, finally, and back into his seat to start writing again. His coffee was cold now, but he drank it anyway. 

He could do this, he could work through this weird anxiety. He will be fine. He's just gotta work his ass off for an hour or two and then he will be satisfied. Hopefully.

He just started working but that anxiety didn’t go away. He put on some music to distract himself but he just couldn’t. All he could really think about was the buzzing under his skin and how he wasn't doing enough anymore. 

He just had to stop and look at the page he was trying to write on and how he hadn’t written anything good in an hour of working. He just put his head in his hands and pushed up his glasses. He was getting madder and madder at himself for not working well enough. The buzzing was getting worse again.

Before he even properly knew it, the panic set in hard. He was shaking, breathing heavy, his thoughts were going a mile a minute. All he could think was “Panic. Panic. Panic.”

He felt tears start to come down his face. He couldn’t do this. He was failing, he needed help.

“Bear?” He called out, quitely, hoping Dan wouldn’t hear him.

No such luck, he heard Dan start to walk down the hall.

“Yeah bub, you need more coffee? Or some food?” He asked, walking into the room.

The moment Dan looked properly at Phil, Phil put his head down and hid it. He wanted to curl in on himself and not let Dan see him struggle. He didn’t want to be seen as weak from Dan. He couldn’t handle his pity.

“Hey, Phil, dear, can you look at me please?” Dan said, walking over to Phil’s chair, crouching in front of it.

Phil just started to shake his head and cry harder, he didn’t want Dan to worry.

“Phil, babe, I need you to look at me. I need to know if you are ok and we don’t have to go to the hospital.” Dan asked, beginning to worry for his boyfriend.

Phil finally lifted his head back up and looked back at Dan, letting Dan see the tears streaming down his face and his messy hair. He could see how carying Dan’s face was.

“Hey sweetheart, I need you to follow my instructions and start to take calm breaths with me.” Dan said.

Phil nodded, and started following the ups and downs of Dan’s chest with his eyes. He could do this, probably.

“You are doing amazing love,” Dan said, giggling, “Amazing as always.”

“I feel pretty un-amazing right now.” Phil finally spoke, “You are amazing Dan.”

Dan laughed at that, and Phil could listen to that laugh for hours, And he has before and wants to do it again.

“Do you wanna leave this room? We can cuddle on the couch?” Dan asked him, putting out his hands for Phil to make a decision.

“Yeah, we can leave this room.” He said, taking Dan’s steady hands.

Dan helped him out of his chair and started walking down the hall to their living room. He planted down on the couch, still slightly shaking and not ready to look at Dan’s disappointed face.

“Hey bub, do you want anything to drink?” Dan asked in a soft voice, “Or to eat?”

Phil shook his head even though he wanted some water to help a headache that he could feel coming on. He could see Dan leave the room for a moment, wondering what he was off to get.

Dan entered with a big glass of water and a fluffy blanket that they both loved. He drank a lot of the water as Dan wrapped the blanket around him and then himself. He started to feel a calm come over him.

He could do this. He could breathe again. He could do this.

**Author's Note:**

> Like I said in the last fic, not everything is simply fixed in one day but it takes many days to actually actully make an impact on your mental health. Also I am so sorry Phil, I love you I swear.


End file.
